Losing is not an option!

What does desolation taste like? Bland, insipid…but so very addictive…Yes, in a way, you fall in love with that feeling…that feeling soaking you in, and sucking life out…you blame the world for leaving you alone, when it is actually you who is pushing the world away. A feeling of self-pity is what you revel in. It is a big bad world out there, out to get you, and you are the wronged victim – this is what plays on a loop in your mind. You enjoy wallowing in that sick, gooey mass of self pity till it actually immerses you completely and shuts the world from view.

Desolation has a clinical name – depression. It’s a term many use loosely whenever they feel a bit under the weather. But that’s like equating headache with brain tumor. Depression is desolation at its worst. Depression alienates. Depression breeds loneliness. Depression kills.

Some give in. Some don’t. At the end of the day, it is a choice. Yes, it is a disease…but whether you choose to fight it or let it take over you, depends on you and just you. Here is a way out: writing. Writing helps. It has helped me. And if a girl who couldn’t string two words together two years back can do this, can own up to being a victim of self-pity, and try and woo the world, so can you!

Yes, you there, who has switched off her cell phone, has refused dinner and is currently counting her misfortunes, am talking to you. Don't let depression fiddle with your mind. Don't let it persuade you to abandon the world. Don't let it break you! And I use the word ‘let’ because that is how it actually is: the control is always there in your hand. Don’t let that slip. Come on now, we are together in this! Losing is not even an option!

Sundays Way Back Then!

Way back then, Sundays used to be a different affair altogether. Mornings used to start with ‘Chitrahaar’ – old classics were aired and I would be often left gaping as I found my very serious uncle or very reticent Baba (father) humming to these lilting tunes. As for myself, I liked the dance numbers better – and unseen by others, would occasionally break into a jig à la yesteryear star Mithun, at some nook of our sprawling house.

And then there were some Sunday mornings when I would travel all the way to the marketplace with Baba where, among other things, he would buy fish. This, somehow, fascinated me a great deal. I would stare at the fish with all my might, and at times, when Baba was not looking, touch their scaly bodies gingerly. My curious mind would come up with an avalanche of questions. I would pelt the fishmonger and Baba in turn with these questions – why is ‘this’ fish different from ‘that’ one, why does that one have a bigger ‘tummy’… and the list would go on till they would beg me to stop.

And the special breakfast menu was something which actually made Sunday my favorite day of the week. Luchi – the deep fried bread that can make any Bong go moony-eyed, served with spicy ‘alur-dom’ (I wouldn’t even try describing this one – but it is not just “some potato curry”!) was something I would literally hanker for! And I would manage to tuck in ten ‘Luchi’ at one go – which is saying something given that I looked pretty anorexic back then, and couldn’t manage to finish off even a single helping of rice on other days.

Sunday afternoons were the time when I would wait, with eager anticipation, for ‘Someone’. That someone used to be a pot-bellied sweet seller – the man would flash a toothless smile whenever he saw me and at the sight of him, I would rush inside and implore my grandma to buy those creamy sweets that would just melt in the mouth!

Come evening and we would all go to the terrace to enjoy the cool breeze wafting by. Elders used to talk their hearts out while I used to dream, wide-eyed, about how I will own a big house someday where Luchi will be an everyday breakfast affair and creamy sweets will be available aplenty!

Those dreams might have changed, but the girl who used to dream those dreams still remains the same – those memories still make her smile a wide smile, and…she still asks too many questions when she is in the mood for it!